Embracing The utility of Regret…

‘the guardian, Remorse’
A statue sighted from a balcony
Sydney, Australia

There is a great complexity within the idea of 'regret'. And, unfortunately, there is also a lot of ‘baggage’ around how many approach this term. In many parts of the world, ‘regret’ is an emotion closely tied with the term ‘repentance’, or even with the term ‘shame’.

But there is another way to interpret the arising of ‘regret’ - a way that is empowering, and can be welcomed as part of the path toward insight.

Experiential avoidance

Regret arises when one becomes aware of something that happened that they did not want to have happen - AND the link between that outcome and something that they’ve done, or not done, which led to that outcome.

Regret is an informative emotion. It says that you somehow realise that your actions or inactions created an outcome that you did not want. In itself, this is not a bad thing, however it is not a pleasant experience. And we have learned to avoid those things that cause us discomfort and pain. It is why it is always so difficult to start an exercise routine, or a change in diet. Because we have to consciously put ourselves in a place of discomfort. it is also why we avoid conversations and people that can make us angry, frustrated, or even remind us of someone we didn’t like. We start an internal narrative or story to help us justify our avoidance, yet this avoidance very swiftly leads to a ‘hardening’ to protect one’s ego, or sense of self.

And in itself, avoiding difficulty can be a skilful behaviour, but can, if we don’t challenge it, turn into a habit that prevents the growth of resilience and the progression toward your better self.

‘the guardian, Resolve’
A statue sighted from a balcony
Sydney, Australia

Embracing the utility of regret

We know that we can not avoid regret in life. Everyone’s life will have many, many events that we didn’t want to have happen, and many of these times will be because of actions we either took, or didn’t take. That is a certainty in life.

Yet it is in this space where we have the power to embrace the utility of regret. One of the thing that has helped me to more consciously do so, is to take the time to really observe the sensation of regret. When I’ve done something, and I start to feel the arising of regret, I have found, that if I look closely enough, I can see two aspects of this emotion, those being the:
1) ‘conscious remorse for my unskillfulness’; and
2) ‘a resolve to correct this unskillfulness and not further perpetuate it’.

And it is here, where the usefulness of the emotion can be found. These two components of regret can act like ‘wise companions’ on my path of insight. They help to guard my legacy by informing me when I am heading off of the path to my best self. I like to think of them like the stern, but loving voice from a mentor when I’ve done or said something foolish. My own personal ‘Obi-wan Kenobi’, if you will.

‘The utility of regret’
Breenhold Gardens
Mt Wilson, Australia

Walking on the path to insight

As a professional coach, and facilitator of insights, I have learned that everyone I work with has a far deeper knowledge of what they need to thrive than they are usually aware of. And most people I work with, have not really received any instruction or exposure to the techniques, skills, and micro-skills which can help them to access their own insights, putting them at a disadvantage when they are trying to find their best self.

However, it you really want to feel the ‘wholeness’ that is your best self, the path is a winding and difficult one. It is a path filled with introspection and insight, and like life, is filled with the opportunity to embrace your own guardians of remorse and resolve. I encourage you to look to, and welcome these emotions when they appear in your awareness. They can be very useful friends in helping you to be your best self, and can help you to gain a humility that is a part of the Insightful Path.

If you’ve resonated with this post, and want to know more about how to walk your own insightful path, please reach out to me today. You can subscribe to this website through the Contact link, or to get the weekly updates via my Insightful Path site on LinkedIn. I look forward to traveling this path of insight together.