How does one learn to be a ‘man’…
‘…helping to carry the load…’
Age 3, helping to build the family home
How does one learn to be a ‘man’?
It is International Men’s Day today, Tuesday, 19 November, 2024.
Men’s health has long been something I’m interested in, and lately I’ve been thinking about what it even means to ‘be a man’, and how one becomes one.
Before I share with you more on this, it is important to ‘set the scene’ for this writing. First: I’m deeply aware that I am writing this from my perspective. I’m also aware that many of the things I’m going to share could apply to anyone, regardless of who you are or what elements of diversity you identify with. Indeed, I write this knowing that the insights within apply equally to my sons as to my daughters. In short, I am writing this to connect, not to divide. However, I am writing these words, on International Men’s Day, about Men. And I am writing them in relation to my journey… and so, while these are my insights, I am sharing them with you in the hope that you resonate with, and can make use of them.
When I think about how I learned to ‘be a man’, I can’t think of any time when I was specifically taught that ‘this is how one becomes a man’. For me, it was never explicit. It was more of a gradual combination of insights, either shared openly from my role models, or implicit within the subtle influences of my community and society. And I recognise that I’ve been pretty lucky in both of these areas. I’ve had a number of really good role models, mentors, and guides across my life who demonstrated to me what it means to be a Good Dad, Husband, Friend, and in general, a ‘Good Man’ within my community.
This post looks at two of these role models. One I met early on as a young man, and the other I’ve yet to meet, but have become aware of in the past few years, who has inspired me to be a better man.
‘…the pipes of pan…’
From a week in a canoe, in conversation with Robert Bly
The first of these influential men was author, poet, and founder of the mythopoetic men’s movement, Robert Bly.
I was lucky enough to have stumbled across his book Iron John as a young man. And even more lucky to have been able to spend a week in a canoe with him, in my role as a wilderness guide in the beautiful 10,000 Islands area off the coast of Florida. To meet one of your heroes, and to have that hero be as insightful as Robert Bly was, was a truly amazing experience.
I first came across Bly’s book, Iron John just after I completed my 4,500 km solo walk across America.
While I did not discover the ‘meaning of life’ that I set out to acquire on my Walk, I did realise something really useful - that being how it felt to be ‘on the insightful path’, and how to approach the elements of fear, unknown, challenge, and growth - as well as the loss that comes with all of these. Iron John deeply resonated with me as a part of my insightful journey. It helped me to understand more of what I think about ‘what it means to be a man’.
And, to be honest, for me, it was never really about ‘being a man’, but more about ‘being an adult’, and being independent, self-reliant, and able to make a positive change for the world as an adult who happened to be a man, someone who realises, accepts and can use the wholeness of their personality and experience.
‘…accepting the wholeness of who i am…’
Within a garden at Mt Wilson
Part of accepting the wholeness of ‘who I am’ is in understanding of why I do what I do. And before I talk about the second inspirational man in this post, I want to explore a part of being self-aware - and that is understanding the difference between adaptive and mal-adaptive beliefs and behaviours.
Adaptive beliefs and behaviours are those that help you adapt to challenges. They are the things you can learn to help you adjust, and solve problems, and regulate your emotions. They are the skilful responses that you can practice, and then consciously choose to use in order to thrive.
Mal-adaptive beliefs and behaviours work against your adapting to the challenges you face. They are often unconscious - and thus reactive in nature. They limit the amount of control you have, over them, and over yourself.
The second man that has inspired me on International Men’s Day understands this difference and is actively helping young boys to understand this on their own paths toward manhood. He has inspired me in relation to how he helps to initiate boys into being strong productive men who are members of society.
Jason Wilson, Founder of the Cave of Adullam Transformational Training Academy
Mr Jason Wilson is an, as of yet, unmet hero of mine. He is a man whose work I deeply admire. Jason is a martial arts Sensei in Detroit Michigan (USA) who uses his life energy to help, as Frederick Douglas said, ‘raise boys rather than work to repair men’. Using both the skills and metaphor of martial arts, and the strength of his religious faith, Jason’s work helps young boys from his community realise and accept their emotions, the difference between assertiveness and aggression, and how to be capable, self-assured, values driven men. His work in helping to initiate young boys into the insightful path of manhood, was the subject of a recent documentary, promoted by Laurence Fishburne - and is a powerful example of how we can help our next generation of men, regardless of their cultural traditions, grow into capable and ethical men.
On International Men’s Day, I write to challenge you, the person reading these lines to ask yourself the following questions:
How can I use the example of my life to become a role model to the next generation of men?
How can I help to provide acceptance to and thus reinforce the qualities of GOOD that young men in my life demonstrate?
How can I live up to the standard of being the ‘older male role model’ that so many young men need?
Robert Bly once wrote:
“Male initiation does not move toward machoism; on the contrary, it moves toward achieving a cultivated heart before we die.”
It is my hope that this post can help to elevate the Good behind what it means to ‘be a man’. That it can help you see the power of a cultivated heart. And can help inspire you to recognise, promote, and practice the Good that is within masculinity so as to help our next generation of men bring this forward into the world.
If you have resonated with this post, please reach out to me on LinkedIn at @InsightfulPath, or here, on my website via the button below:
