Part 3: The trap of Resentment
Facing Discomfort to Walk the Path to Insight
A calm, clear presence is often described as the foundation from which to respond skillfully to the present moment. But in reality, how often are we truly present? Research by Killingsworth and Gilbert (2010) offers a sobering insight: we spend only about 53.1% of our lives in the present moment. The other 46.9% is swallowed by the past—ruminations, grievances—or by the future, where hopes and anxieties play out in endless mental loops.
This absence from the now isn’t just an intellectual problem; it’s an emotional one. Think of the mind as a still pond.
Image was AI generated using DALL-E, Open AI’s image generation model
Anger, resentment, and ill will disturb its surface, like a rolling boil that obscures the treasures beneath. These emotions distort our perception, locking us into narrow, reactive stories.
Consider this scenario, from Larry Dressler’s book, Standing in the fire: Leading high heat meetings with clarity, calm, and courage: a 55-year-old CEO sits across from you, arms crossed, eyes squinting, a frown firmly etched on his face. The story practically writes itself: he’s angry, impatient, dismissive. But what if you ask:
Who else is this person?
This single question breaks the illusion of certainty. The “angry CEO” could also be a son to an aging mother, an aspiring painter struggling to find time for his art, a father who reads to his kids every night. Maybe he’s distracted by the weight of a sibling’s terminal illness, or preoccupied by something as mundane as an ill-advised breakfast burrito. He’s not one story; he’s a mosaic of them.
The power of this question is transformative. It opens the heart and shifts perception. Instead of reacting to our narrow, habitual narrative, we begin to respond to the fuller complexity of another person—and of the moment itself.
This principle applies inwardly as well. When we cultivate awareness of our inner states, we may be surprised by how often anger or ill will arises unbidden. These emotions act as blinders, preventing us from seeing clearly. Yet, with awareness, we can loosen their grip. The more we see our own reactive patterns, the less beholden we are to them, and the more space we create for presence, compassion, and clarity.
The present moment is always available, but our access to it depends on how we relate to the obstacles in its path. Anger, aversion, and ill will may disturb the pond, but they are not its essence. Beneath the surface, the stillness remains.
As you move through the rest of your day, consider embodying a sense of curiosity. With each person you encounter, take a moment to ask yourself, “Who else is this person?” You might uncover surprising insights that deepen your understanding and open your heart. If you’re inspired by what you discover or feel drawn to explore these ideas further, don’t hesitate to reach out. The path to greater connection and clarity begins with a single step—why not take it today?
