Collaborating with the enemy…
I’ve always heard it said that,
“When the student is ready, the teacher will appear”
This saying resonates with me as ‘truth’. It aligns with my experience, and rings out as true.
And yet, when I look back on the times I met real ‘teachers’ - those men and women who could both humble you with their presence, and could also help you to bring out your best… I also, somewhat ashamedly, have to note, I didn’t always realise I was ready. Nor did I always appreciate the lesson!
I met one such teacher as a young man, on a long solo walk I took across America.
It was about an hour past sunset, after a long day walking along the Mississippi River. I was tired, scratched up, a little irritable, and visibly shaken. I had just left the deer trail that I had been following for the better part of the afternoon, and did not find a place anywhere where I felt was safe enough to camp. But, coming out of the wood I saw a house with a light on that seemed particularly welcoming.
Photo by Unsplash photographer, Dave Hoefler
I was still a bit anxious from a confronting ‘incident’ that I witnessed earlier in the day. Regardless, I worked up my nerve and knocked on the front door of the cabin that sat on the bluff above the Mississippi River. A middle aged man came to the door, opened it right away, and with a warmth in his eyes asked how he could help.
Hesitatingly, I told him my name, and that while I was only just out of university, I had sold everything I owned, and walked out of my Mom and Dad’s house to ‘try and figure it all out,’ and meet my ‘country men’, so I could understand what it meant to be me.
He smiled broadly now. Which threw me off. I rather nervously added that tonight, I was really just wanting a place to set up my tent. I commented on how his lawn was a lovely even patch of ground, and I noticed a yard hose for me to refill my water at, and asked if I could camp there.
He looked at me, and gave a little nod of his head, as a sort of acknowledgement of my goal and request. He then asked if I had already eaten dinner.
I suspect he saw my face as he opened the door and I smelled the hearty and spicy aroma of what smelled like a home cooked meal, fresh out of the oven. However, not wanting to intrude, I politely lied and said that I had, and really only wanted a safe place to pitch my tent.
He looked at me, and smiled again… and asked if I was still hungry… and would be interested in a beef casserole, because it just came out of the oven, and there was more than enough to share.
He was, it turned out, a local minister. His sons were away at university, and his wife had died a number of years back. He shared with me many things that night, and the next day, as our conversation grew.
I’ve always been interested in how we ‘steer society’ and what elements of life influence it for better and for worse. At that time, the ‘heroes’ that appealed to me, did so for their courage. For their ability to speak truth to power, and make large changes for the common good.
One of these was the American Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient, Cesar Chavez, who helped organise for rights and conditions for agricultural workers . Chavez wrote that,
“If you really want to make a friend, go to someone’s house and eat with [them]. The people who give you their food, give you their heart. ”
While eating my bowl of casserole, I told him of my Walk… and how I planned to keep walking until I figured out my purpose in life. My plan was to make my way to Missouri, cross the upper part for the state and arrive in the city of Independence - where the Oregon Trail begins. I figured I could follow that to the coast, and then backtrack to the Pacific Crest Trail, and head south to the Mexican border. I was confident that if I timed things correctly, I could then walk east across the southern states, to get to the Appalachian Trail, follow this to the Canadian border and then back west again, walking until I discovered myself, and America like John Steinbeck did, but I would be on foot.
He raised his eyebrow, and smiled again, and then asked how I came to be here, at his house at this time of night.
‘It started this morning,’ I said, emotion in my voice as I relived the events of the day. ‘I was eager to make some miles’ I said, as I told him how I packed up without cooking my morning oats, and started walking along the river. I told him how, after a few hours, I came across a little dinner / bar along the river, and I stopped in to see what I could get for the little money I had.
Photo by Unsplash photographer Will Roberts
I told him how, as soon as the entrance door closed behind me, I felt unwelcomed. A few men, sitting at the bar turned and stared at me, my backpack still on, their eyes narrowing as their conversations stopped. I smiled, and approached, to order from the bar tender as the men’s conversations began again in murmurs with an occasional glances cast at me.
I ordered a piece of fried catfish as that was all I could afford at the time, paid and took a seat at the other end of the bar. News was playing on the television. I could see the news anchor cut to some black and white footage of the ‘I have a dream’ speech by Martin Luther King Jr., and I looked up to watch this inspirational American.
I wasn’t able to however, because just as I looked up, one of the men shouted at the barkeep, that, ‘no-one but hippies would watch this [racial slur] crap’ . The man demanded that the barkeep put something better on the television.
With a tired look in his face, the barman complied. He walked over to the t.v. and turned the channel to some 1990’s reality show about paternity tests and trailer parks. The men grumbled ‘that’s better’ and started to laugh at the painful stories on the television.
I ate my fish. Swiftly. In silence.
And, in fear. I didn’t know what to do, and so I left. And fearing the men would follow, I quickly got off the road, deciding it was better to follow deer trails through the wood than be seen walking along the road.
The man and I went quiet as i finished narrating my story, and we finished our meal. He then turned to me and smiled.
‘Why do you think those men in the bar did that?’, he earnestly asked.
I didn’t know. I was at a loss for words.
‘Well,’ he said, ‘most people really only complain about the things that they care about’.
I didn’t understand, and seeing this, the man looked right into my eyes,
‘When people feel as though they are not respected, when they feel that they are not heard, all sorts of bad behaviours can arise. And this does not excuse those behaviours… but neither does it excuse us getting oppositional in return. I suspect that those men simply didn’t feel respected or heard themselves. Perhaps they haven’t felt respected for quite some time. Many in that situation can react out of their pain. Their need to belong can even drive them to see only the differences between others and those that share their world view.’
I was struggling with this concept. And told him how I’d not grown up with such blatant and open racism, nor with people who were clearly taking glee from shows that just celebrated the suffering and pain of others.
‘Well…’ he paused, and again said with a kindness in his voice,
‘You are going to meet all sorts of people on this path you’ve chosen. Some of them will be kind and generous. And some of them will have lived through some past traumas that you can’t even imagine. And almost all of them will be doing the best that they can, in the moment that they are in.
If you are going to learn about what it means to be an American, and what your path in this wild and messy life is, you are going to have to be able to build up your ability to meet people where they are at, while still being authentically you. You are also going to have to be aware of how you blindly react to others, and instead choose to respond.
If you can do those things then, and only then, will you find that you will be able to help people feel respected, regardless if they feel agreed with.
And if you can do that… well, then they may just listen to your point of view too.’
The man started to tidy up the dinner, and wash dishes in the sink, as I sat there trying to absorb what he was saying. I got lost in thought… until he asked ’Do you like Emerson?’
I said that I did, but it had been a while, and so he recited what he remembered of a quote that he thought would help me understand:
“There is a time in everyone’s education when you arrive at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that you must take yourself, for better or for worse... that though the wide universe is full of Good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to you but through your own toil.’”
I remember this moment. The calm in his voice. How I knew that that minister shared with me something powerful… his belief that one needs to ‘earn what you learn’, and that no one person can give you the skills to achieve your goals, as you have to do the toil to learn these yourself. He didn’t judge me, but could discerningly see me, for all my faults and pride, and accept me regardless. And that he could see this, made his acceptance and the respect I felt from him all the more powerful.
I think on that lesson now.
The problems we as a society are facing, be it in my home country of America, or my now home of Australia, or anywhere that people are trying to make life better…. these problems are incredibly complex. They are multi-faceted. They can not be solved by one voice, or by one agency, or even by one political faction or the other.
By their very nature, the problems humanity now faces will demand a collaborative approach to address.
If you see this, then it is to you to develop your abilities to sit with the discomfort of self-growth in order to address it. You will need to find ways that you can experientially show your respect for those on the ‘other sides’ of an issue. You will need to build your insights around collaboration if you are going to be able to build coalitions of people working to advocate and come together for the Common Good.
Adam Kahane, in his book, Collaborating with the enemy: how to work with people you don’t agree with, or like, or trust, said,
“What is crucial is to create the conditions under which participants can act freely and creatively, and in doing so, create a path forward. Success in collaborating does not mean that the participants agree with or like or trust on another. Maybe they will and maybe they wont. Success means that they are able to get unstuck and take a next step.”
These skills may sound unreachable, but they are real, and powerful, and Kahane is not alone as an example of how this can work. I recently had the honour of talking with another of my heroes, Suzanne Ghais, who, like Kahane, facilitated in civil war reconstruction mediations, and other large social change between at times combative groups. You can view this conversation on my YouTube channel here.
If you have made it this far into the post, and can See the need for collaboration if we, as a species are going to address the challenges ahead…. then the question is what are you doing to build your skills in this area?
If you want to reach out - let’s share insights on this matter. You can reach me @InsightfulPath on LinkedIn, or contact me via the Contact page of this website.
